After trying to keep Stoffel the Honey Badger, who don’t care the most, safe from larger animal attacks, caretaker Brian discovered there’s no keeping this trunk scratching genius contained. One YouTube commenter asked-‘What about a padlock?’, but I’ve no doubt Stoffel has a lock picking claw all sharpened up for such an event.

Brian’s commentary makes it. ‘Woman, get up’ Haaaaaaah! Bet he didn’t say that to his missus when Stoffel came for them in the middle of the night.

Speaking of, he was pretty calm and jolly describing Stoffel’s terrifying B&E in the early hours. What did Stoffel use to break the window? What happened after he got into his room? How is Brian still alive? Maybe Stoffel dead-eyed him while slowly scratching his torso and ended with a quick claw point before retiring to his woman in the enclosure for a victory dance.

I wouldn’t put it past Stoffel to call up Brian to mess with him-

‘Brian, say it with me…..SHOW ME THE ENCLOSURE!’

‘Show me the enclosure.’

‘Oh, no, you can do better than that, Brian. Say it with me. SHOW ME THE ENCLOSURE! I got David Attenborough on the other line’

‘Show me the enclosure’

‘OK, but you’ve got to yell it. I GOTTA FEEL YOU, BRIAN.’

‘Show me the enclosure. SHOW ME THE ENCLOSURE. SHOW ME THE ENCLOSURE, STOFFEL’

‘Tell me you love the Honey Badgers, Brian’.

‘I LOVE THE HONEY BADGEEEERS!’

‘What are you going to do, Brian?’

‘SHOW YOU THE ENCLOSUUUUUREEE’.

‘Congratulations, you’re still my nemesis’.

*Click*

Between this and this Bonobo ape who would win the Gaisce award for camping that I never got, we’d better check our food chain privilege. We may be adorably overtaken fairly soon. Just FYI, I’d totally watch an Ina Garten and Kanzi Hampton beach picnic special.

A.K.A the easiest dessert, ever.

Feeds 6….or 3 and then me again after they go home…..

1 sheet ready-to-roll puff or shortcrust pastry

2-4 Pink Lady apples

White sugar-no idea how much, just to cover the pastry base and over the apples

Vanilla ice cream to serve

Preheat your oven to 220 c/ 425 f/ Gas 7

Grease a tart tin, or parchment paper, cut to fit the tin

I peel the apples sometimes, although most tarte fine aux pommes recipes don’t say to do so. I also prefer the shortcrust pastry for sweet dishes.

Cut the apples in quarters, remove the core and so on and thinly slice. If you’re in a hurry, cut the slices straight off the apple. You won’t get as neat a result but it does the job. Squeeze lemon juice over the sliced apples to stop them from browning. Once you’ve done this a few times, you’ll work quickly enough that you won’t need the lemon.

Lay your pastry over the tin, and cut any overhanging edges.

Generously sprinkle sugar to cover the base.

Lay the apple slices, overlapping each other just the smallest bit. in my opinion, the effect is much nicer in a round tin, and you will need only two apples for a round 8 in tin. You could double up on the apple layers, but that would cancel out the fine / delicate effect.

Sprinkle more sugar on top of the apples.

Bake in the centre of the oven for 25 minutes.

Serve with vanilla ice cream.

BON APPÉTIT!

Feeds 4-6

1 leek/ 1 white onion

1 yellow bell pepper

1 jalepeno

1 red pepper

2 x 400ml tin chopped tomatoes

3 bay leaves

4-6 eggs

Approx 400g refried beans

Three handfuls of fresh Coriander

About 7 in (steady, size queens) chorizo

2 tomatoes, sliced

2 teasp Pressed Garlic

2 teasp chilli paste

Finely chop your small peppers, bell pepper and leek/ onion. Chop your chorizo in half lengthways and then in halves.

Heat about 3-4 turns of olive oil in a frying pan (preferably with a lid to use later). I used a deep paella dish, but found since that it’s better to use a wide shallow dish for this.

Add your chopped chorizo, peppers and leek/ onion. Add in the garlic and chilli paste, and finally the bay leaves. Stir to mix. Cook for 10-15 minutes until it’s all softened.

Add the chopped tomatoes, refried beans and mix. Top with the sliced tomatoes.

Depending on how much coriander you like, add handfuls on top of the sliced tomatoes.

Using the back of a large spoon or ladle, make wells in the top to crack your eggs in. I made space for four eggs as I was only feeding that many. Take the pan off the heat while you do this if you want to take a bit more time cracking the eggs in, to ensure even cooking times for each gugg.

Crack an egg into each well, return to the heat if needs be, cover with a lid and leave to poach for however long it takes. Because I used a deep dish it took FOREVAH, so be prepared for it to take a while.

And that’s it. Very simple and tasty.

Serve with bread (traditionally corn tortillas). I cut up ciabatta and on the side, spicy chicken wings, served on gem lettuce with blue cheese dressing, because like booze, there’s always time for that at brunch.

Serves 6-8

1 ready to roll pastry sheet

150g crab meat

125g Gruyere, grated

6 spring onions, chopped

3 eggs, beaten

Half a red bell pepper, diced small

230ml single cream

Preheat your oven to 180 C/ 350 F/ Gas mark 4

Grease parchment paper to fit a 10 in quiche/ flan dish. Roll out your pastry to fit your dish. If it comes in a sheet, patch the sides with left over pastry and press in to seal the joins. Cover with parchment paper and fill with baking beans/ uncooked rice, lentils. For easier removal afterwards, put the rice, beans or whatever you use into an oven-proof bag, or a muslin cloth tied with cooking twine if you’re super fancy.

It took about 40 minutes for my pastry to blind bake. It could have done with being left for longer but I chanced it.

Take it out, remove the top sheet of parchment paper and baking weights. Leave on a wire rack to cool while you prepare the filling.

Grate the Gruyere (after all my grater hateration in the asparagus tart post, I caved and bought one-it’s rapih). Whisk the eggs in a medium bowl. Add the cream. Mix with a fork. Add the crab meat, spring onions and pepper, and stir. Mix in about two-thirds of the cheese.

Pour the mix into the pastry case and sprinkle the remaining cheese on top.

Pop it back into the over for 30-40 minutes, or until the mix has set. If it’s still wibbly in the middle (like myself, wha’), leave for another ten minutes.

Leave to cool for ten to fifteen minutes. Lift out of the quiche dish using the sides of the parchment paper. Plonk onto a serving plate to cut up and serve.

Serve with a side salad and lots of wine. So quiche.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but, I’m on the dry for April.

If I manage it, it’ll be the longest I’ve gone since…oh, probably my Communion or something.

I’ve started a separate blog for it here. 

Anywho, since I cannot currently indulge in beautiful booze, I will plan my lushy return to the good stuff. I’ll return in shtyle!

Still in the process of doing up the new gaff, my thoughts have turned to the garden. The last owners left it in good nick, it just needs tidying and a good grass cut. Aldi had fruit plants and trees a few weeks back, so I picked up a Morello Cherry tree and berry bushes. Despite the less than ideal weather, they are doing alright. ALRIIIIIIGHT! Bring on the desserts and cocktails.

With great timing, Houzz have a feature on how to grow your own cocktail garden.

One of the recipes includes Lillet Blanc which I’d never heard of before. A couple of the range are stocked in the Celtic Whiskey Shop, AKA my Mecca.

Mmm mmm! Looks like pure Summer, that. Can’t wait. Roll on 27th April, and sunnier days….